Choices & Chances

"Some choices hold you down.

Some chances set you free."

~ Christine Kane,

author, singer-songwriter, inspirationalist

I first read these words over a year ago. I think that they were on the chalkboard of quotes at my coffee shop, Emy J's. I scribbled it down on a piece of paper and propped it up on the dashboard of my car. I read these words every single day.

I recognize that we are the sum total of the choices that we make. Oftentimes our choices force us to miss out on a chance that may set us free. And sometimes those things that we see as the next big opportunity can have dangerous barbs that are not seen on the surface until we delve deeper into them. I have had much experience with both extremes in the past year.

Today, my office mate of 9 1/2 years is spending her last day here. She is a fine person who has been given a great chance to move across the country. I am sorry that she is leaving, but I know that this is the perfect chance to set herself free and reinvent herself anew. I am reliving the ups and downs of our time together, like potluck roommates in college. You never know what you are going to get. You might not always get along or enjoy each others' taste in music or their personal habits. But you come to rely on that person always being there for you, sharing laughter and tears together. She has done so much for this small office that I work in. It seems like an insurmountable challenge to live up to her standards. My room will be lonely without her.

Yet another part of me is feeling very selfish.

Back in November I elected to cut back one day a week at this job and a corresponding pay cut. I did this with the understanding that I would eventually have the chance to cut back more days until I was truly part time here and full-time doing what I know I am meant to do. My greatest goal has been to have daylight hours to create and work on my own business growth. So I set it up to have two half days a week as a trial. I have come to realize that this isn't working. Instead of getting 4 hours each 1/2 day to work on my business, I really only get 2 1/2. I have to pick up the kids after school and get them where they needed to go. Two and a half hours is not much time to start a new project or get much of anything done. But still, it is something. And so I challenged myself to really have a FOCUS (my word of the year) each week. And that is working. Sort of.

When this news of her departure was released, I felt immediately elated for her, and deflated for me. I want to be so happy for her, but I find myself fighting back tears as I write this because it is bringing out a selfishness that I hate giving into. I predicted that her leaving would not usher in a new colleague to share my space, but restructure everything so that the essential duties would be re-distributed and absorbed, mostly by me. So that means that while I will still be working this one less day a week, I will be taking on the majority of duties for a very essential member of our small staff. And while I know that there is a chain of back-ups for me, I don't feel very confident that this will be effective at all.


Unfortunately, I predicted correctly.

And I am understandably overwhelmed at this moment.

I alternate between the confidence I can do this (because I have to), and the crippling depression that I can't do this (because I just don't want to). I struggle with the knowledge that the more duties I have means the more I have to be here, which in turn translates into the less of a chance there is for me to leave and do what I am called to do. This struggle to keep it all locked inside and show a brave front is making me sick on the inside, and quite grouchy on the outside. I am starting to feel that I will never be able to leave this place. Well, at least not gracefully.

And to complicate matters, my parents are part of the ownership of the company I work for. But they are in a warm, sunny retirement sort of place, they don't read my blog (or even know what a blog is), and while they support me and think I make pretty things, they are essentially clueless as to what is really important to me or even believe that I can do what I want to do and make a life at it.

I feel stuck.

My life is framed by the choices that I have made
...the choice to stay in this job for 15 years which is about 12 years too long because I am loyal to a fault;
...the choice of taking two half days because I thought it would be the least disruptive for the rest of my colleagues, but turns out to be the least productive for me;
...the choice to open an Etsy site, but then dwindling chances to populate it and promote it so that it can be all that it can be and just flounders around at the whims of the ocean that is Etsy;
and defined by the chances that I take
...the chance I created to offer a semi-custom order to a large dance studio to expose my name and designs to 300 potential buyers;
...the chance to offer a bit of my soul in components that I hope to release to Etsy in February;
...the chance to mount a solo exhibit at the Gallery Q last summer that was one of their most successful yet and sparked a spin-off exhibit this spring;
...the chance to be juried into a popular local art show, and even if I don't get selected, I will have a better understanding of the process and a new booth design to build on;
...the chance to hop on an airplane and fly to an art retreat to recharge my creative soul and make new friends (I am really hoping that I can make this happen! But again, I don't know if I will be allowed the time away).

I suppose that this might be a choice or chance sort of moment for me. We all have them. We are faced with a situations and decisions that can take us down a path that we didn't expect to be on, sort of like those Choose Your Own Adventure books that were so popular in the 80s, where you read the story and then are faced with a dilemma. What will you choose? And each choice leads to another. (I admit that cheated. I always kept one hand in the page before and read ahead to see where each choice would lead me before committing to the consequence of my choice. And it always ended too soon on a note that I was dissatisfied with.) I suppose that is human nature with choices... you want the benefit of hindsight and the ability to change your mind if it doesn't quite work out.



{Charming mixed media art print by my new favorite ArtByErinLeigh on Etsy}

So it sucks for me this moment I find myself mired in. But I am sure that I am not the only one who faces choice and chance each day, and I am not looking for pity or pump-ups or even understanding. It is my crossroads to navigate. That chance where I got one toe out the door may be fading, or perhaps this turn of events will make me work harder at making sure that the whole foot and then the rest of me follows. Either way I know that if there is a way out of this deep hole, I am the only one who can find it. If it is not up and out, then perhaps I will have to dig an escape tunnel. And start living and truly believing that motto at the top of my page.

Your turn...
Does that quote resonate with you?
What choices are holding you down?
What chances are setting you free?
When you are faced with good fortune for someone, does it ever sting you just a little?
How are you daring to disturb the Universe today?
Do tell!

P.S. Thank you to all my dear and lovely and varied followers for all the love that you have shown me. It means the world to me that you come and take the time to not only read through my oh-so-rambling posts, but that you take the time to leave such insightful comments. It seems that my format is something that you would like to see continue, with the quotes and the questions framing the meat of each post, as well as the sprinklings of personal glimpses and creative projects that I am working on with things like the Random Acts of Wisdom, Lyrics to Love and 30 Words. It is so gratifying to know that what I have to say has sparked so many thoughtful and delightful comments. If I could invite you all to a party, you know I would. It would be one heck of a cocktail hour! So thank you hardly seems like enough...

P.P.S. But a good way to thank you is to give you the chance to win something! The last chance to enter the 501 (and counting!) giveaway is on Monday, January 31st just by leaving a comment on this post (you don't even have to follow me!).